As Christmas approaches, I’ve been seeing more clients who want to discuss being estranged from their family. Estrangement affects 1 in 5 families in the UK, and yet is rarely talked about. This lack of acknowledgment can leave you feeling very alone, and that few people can understand what it’s like to not have contact with your family members.
Being estranged from family over Christmas and New Year can be particularly painful, as we are surrounded by both media depictions and social expectations of spending the holidays with relatives. Feeling that our experience is so different from what seems ‘normal’ may be extremely isolating; hearing friends or colleagues discuss their Christmas plans with family, or asking about yours, might feel especially hard. This may bring up both difficult feelings about your family relationship/s, and awkwardness at navigating other people’s expectations and assumptions.
While estrangement is complex and varied, it can be deeply painful for both people who have chosen to break contact with their families, and those whose relatives won’t engage with them. In some dynamics, it’s unclear who broke contact in the first place, or what exactly caused the rift. This confusion as to who, or what, initiated the estrangement doesn’t stop it feeling profoundly hurtful and intractable.
Estrangement and Shame
What can unite the varying experiences of people who are estranged from their families is a sense of shame.
The decision to cut ties with a family member is never taken lightly, and yet many people who are considering, or have made, this choice fear being judged- that they will be seen as ‘selfish’, ‘overreacting’ or that they ‘didn’t try hard enough’.
For those whose relatives refuse contact with them, there can be a horrible fear that they will be seen as ‘broken’, or that they must be concealing something ‘bad’ they did to cause the estrangement.
The shame surrounding estrangement may combine with other feelings, like sadness, guilt, resentment and anger. All of these feelings are so normal, and can be part of the ‘ongoing grief’ of estrangement- an unresolved, haunting loss which can impact your sense of self, and other parts of your life.
How to Cope with Family Estrangement
Talking to someone who understands your position and supports you, without judgment, can be really beneficial in reducing the shame and isolation that often accompanies estrangement. A qualified, experienced therapist can work with you to help you make sense of what’s happened and to navigate the grief of estrangement- empowering you to make decisions going forward. Research found that therapy was the most helpful source of support for people experiencing family estrangement.
You may want to reconnect with estranged relatives in the New Year but fear the pain of being rejected. Maybe you don’t want to spend Christmas with your family and are struggling to have your boundaries respected. Therapy can help you to explore your situation and process the many feelings which may be attached, empowering you to think, reflect and make choices for the future.
If you would like to explore your experience of estrangement with me in therapy, please get in touch through the contact form.
Roberta O'Callaghan Therapy 